Get thee behind me…
Today’s post is not a perfume review, and here’s why: some time yesterday afternoon I realized every single smell in the world annoyed me, from the usually tolerable tarry city smell to the usually lovable smell of baked muffins and coffee. Everything. The ordeal was intensified by the fact I had to prepare a review for today, and I absolutely could not imagine getting my nose into anything perfumey. To top it off, I overapplied my beloved Tea for Two in the morning, in hopes to prolong the smell throughout the day but instead it ended up giving me tooth cavities. It’s like if you decided to put in four packets of sugar into your chai latte. So, I consulted with a friend as to how to remedy the deplorable situation, and she gave me brilliant advice, as always. Why not write about stinky perfumes or just smells you can’t stand (excluding the obvious)? I was overjoyed. It fits my mood perfectly! I hereby invite you into my stinkdom experience.
First and foremost, I cannot tolerate the smell of cigarette smoke. I love the smell of unlit cigarettes, though, and the perfume that has that vibe is Hermessence Vetiver Tonka. Cigarette smoke, however, absolutely clogs my breathing passages. I grew up with a dad who smoked like a malfunctioning chimney, often with all the windows in the apartment closed. I guess it put him in a state of nirvana while I usually ran out screaming or ended up screaming at him for subjecting us to such inhumane suffering. So, now, when I walk behind a person who’s smoking (happens daily), I get all kinds of violent thoughts and images in my head. I do love the smell of pipe tobacco, though.
Another smell that’s absolutely vile to my nose is diesel/gasoline (I don’t differentiate here). I grew up riding trains and buses, and I have numerous memories of riding this particular bus that used to be popular in the ex-USSR (can’t recall the name now) that I swear was specifically designed to exude gasoline fumes to permanently damage the brains of the passengers. I would get sick every single time, and my mom would have to ask the driver to stop for her daughter to throw up (and I did throw up every time).
Now on to stinky perfumes. Disclaimer: the strong opinions expressed below are purely subjective. Some of the ones I cannot stand are (as in, really cannot stand):
Versace Crystal Noir - headache-inducing mock of a floral in a grotesque bottle
Dior Hypnotic Poison - gut-wrenching instant poison
L’Artisan Timbuktu - rotting pine needles
Lush Karma - stomach-turning orange-patchouli venom
Montale Amandes Orientales - Barbie doll head
Caron Narciss Blanc - Soviet laundry soap
Jovan White Musk - sinus-clogging waterpipe rust
Donna Karan Be Delicious - apple vodka
MPG Iris Blue Gris - grassy fruitcake aftershave
Michael Kors Michael - cloying, suffocating mess
I’d love to hear what smells/perfumes you can’t stand. I’m in a stinky mood!
Image source: www.ditto.com
42 comments August 22nd, 2006